What is right for me, may not be right for you…

I came across a question on a social media post about picking the ideal scenery you would like to be in to feel peaceful. Four pictures were offered, all fairly different (ex. one was a view from a cabin on a mountain, one was a view from a home in a tropical locale complete with a waterfall right outside the window, one was a rainy/snowy city scene, and the last was a simple view of some woods outside a tiny house type dwelling). To me, they all looked appealing. Each had it’s own merit when it came to reasons for why they would be peaceful. But, what stuck out to me was that some people’s reactions in the comments towards a couple of those pictures were very distinct and almost visceral. And that reaction was fear. Some commenters said that certain scenes scared them.

This reminded me of something very simple but very important when it comes to developing a self-care plan or managing stress. And that is that what might be exciting, relaxing, or perfect for me, may be terrifying, stressful, or annoying to you. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to taking care of yourself. And, you are the only one you need to convince about what you want. You alone know your background, your emotions, and your level of tolerance today.

So, yes working out can help you feel better when it comes to depressive symptoms. But, maybe it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe instead, you’d rather do some crafting or knitting or hiking. Going on a vacation may be the most relaxing thing you can do for yourself, but maybe a staycation will be what is least stressful for someone else. Do what feels right to you and follow your gut. There are definitely times to push yourself out of your comfort zone and do something a little uncomfortable. But, nothing you do should be dreaded or make you feel scared or miserable. Don’t do something because you think you are supposed to…do it because it is right for you.

How much news can you manage today?

There is a lot going on right now in the news cycle that can be overwhelming and painful to hear. Now is a time to make sure you balance staying in the know, while also managing your own mental health. While most of us can’t take a day off from being aware of our race, gender, sexual orientation etc., and it can feel wrong to step away, sometimes you may need a break from the constant flow of information.

Maybe this is something as simple as making sure you are mixing up your social media views so that you’re seeing some political posts and some silly dog videos. Maybe it means you sit out the next family gathering because you really don’t want to get into it with the uncle with the extreme views. Maybe it means going off the grid for a day or two.

Ignoring the changing world and the politics around us is impossible. After all, the personal is political. But, you are the best judge of your own mental health and what you can take today and what you can’t. Don’t stick your head in the sand, but don’t allow yourself to sink into the quicksand either. As with most things, find the balance.

And take care of yourself. It’s a rapidly shifting world out there.

Recognizing your limits

Sometimes it’s hard to realize we are overwhelmed until we have reached a breaking point. We’ve pushed ourselves over and over again, and smiled through way too much stress and now we are about to explode. Understanding your limits is critical to managing stress.

How can you tell you are reaching your limits when it comes to stress? Here are some examples (but definitely not an exhaustive list).

  1. You are more short with others, more irritable, or you notice yourself being less content around people you care about.

  2. You notice you are not as productive at work or school.

  3. You find yourself having difficulty concentrating or completing tasks.

  4. You don’t find joy in the things you like doing because it now feels like one more thing you have to do.

  5. You realize you are more negative in your worldview or towards others.

  6. You find yourself leaning into unhealthy habits (i.e. drinking more, over or under eating, smoking again).

  7. Pay attention to your internal experience.

    a. Is there tension in your body? Do you feel tension in your neck, back, or shoulders? Are you clenching your fists, toes, teeth or jaw?

    b. Do you feel more sad than usual, or more irritable?

    c. Are your thoughts racing or leaning to the negative more than they are positive?

  8. Do you have difficulty breathing sometimes or feel like you can’t catch your breath?

It’s important to acknowledge you’ve reached a limit, be honest with yourself, and then do something differently. If you can’t take one more phone call today from a friend, turn off your phone for the rest of the evening. If you realize that you just can’t make dinner tonight for your guests who are visiting from out of town, make it a food delivery night. And most importantly, remind yourself that recognizing and setting limits is a positive thing. It’s better for you and for those around you to feel your best.

Negativity

Focusing on the negatives is a natural thing. We all do it. It’s hard to be positive sometimes when we just aren’t feeling it. So maybe…stop trying to be positive if it’s just not possible…at least for a little bit. Remind yourself that it’s okay to sometimes let a negative emotion wash over you. The key is to to allow it for a few minutes at a time, and then shift your thoughts to something else. The something else doesn’t have to be super positive, just something different. Maybe you refocus on a task. Maybe you think about future-oriented things that you are unsure about, but that don’t bring fear. Maybe you think about a positive memory. Just remember to regroup within a few minutes.

Another thing to remember is to try to use the negative thoughts. If they’re there taking up space rent free in your mind, then put them to work. Use the negatives as motivation to create the change you want to see. Let the negative thoughts be the fuel you need to do something just a little differently today. Remember “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” -Lao Tzu. And maybe that single step stems from a super negative, painful thought.

Daily self-care

Sometimes it can feel impossible to make healthy changes in our lives because the changes seem too drastic, too big, or too complicated. But, the reality is, self-care and healthy living are important for life-long well being. So, instead of committing to a massive shift, here are some simple tips for daily self-care:

  1. Get better sleep. It’s the key to feeling rested of course, but it also helps with improving memory, digestion, and irritability. Aim for 6-8 hours at night and try to avoid naps if possible! (Daytime naps can really disrupt your sleep at night).

  2. Improve your time management (even if it’s just for today). Block out a chunk of time for something you’ve been meaning to cross off of your to do list and do it. You will feel so productive and relieved to have completed a task. But, the key is managing your time. Set reminders, block out your schedule, and turn off distractions!

  3. Get moving. A regular walk around your neighborhood or a park is such a simple and inexpensive way to make a huge impact on your well-being over time. Aim for 20-30 minutes 3 days a week to start, and try to bump that to 30-45 minutes 4-5 days a week once you are comfortable.

  4. Limit alcohol. As much as it’s tempting to rest at the end of the day with a glass of wine, this will likely make your sleep worse and negatively impact your mental health (alcohol is a depressant and can really impact anxiety and depressive symptoms). Watch your intake and be honest with yourself about why you are drinking and how much.

  5. Make sure you are eating foods that you enjoy, but that also nourish you. If you have a sweet tooth, it makes sense that you’ll want to grab a little dessert. But, make sure to balance that with eating healthy throughout the day. Remember to eat in moderation vs. completing abstaining if you can manage to do that. Sometimes when you deny yourself something, you can rebound by eating more later.

  6. Make time for the people and pets in your life who bring you joy and who support you. Take 10 minutes out of your day to play catch with your dog or pet your cat. Take 15 minutes to call that friend you’ve been meaning to call. Commit to just a few minutes a day of getting recharged by those who care about you.

  7. Make sure to find something to laugh about for a few minutes a day. Maybe it’s watching 30 minutes of your favorite comedian’s new special, or reading a funny story. Maybe it’s laughing with a friend about something you did together. Find humor in the little things today.

  8. Set a small boundary. Whether it’s saying “No” to staying 20 minutes late after work, or letting a friend know you don’t have the bandwidth to chat about a relationship problem they are having, make sure to set small boundaries more often. This will help you set better boundaries overall with people in your life and help you work towards setting those larger boundaries you know will be important. One way to accomplish setting boundaries is by saying “No” more often. Remind yourself that you do not have to agree to things just because people ask. Make sure you have the time AND energy to do something you are being asked to do. If you don’t feel it, say “No.”

  9. Journal. Whether it is pages and pages of material, or just jotting down a quick thought here and there, try your hand at writing. It can be a good way to de-stress and you’d be amazed at what comes out when you let your thoughts flow onto paper (or maybe a word document!).

  10. Watch what you are consuming. Take stock of the shows you’re watching, the music you’re listening to, and the friends you are following on social media. What information, themes, and moods are you taking in. For example, sometimes we don’t realize we might be leaning towards music and shows that are sad because our mood is down. Maybe we’re reading about political strife and we need to mix it up with something light hearted every now and then. Pay attention to what information and material is surrounding you.

These are just a few ideas. Come up with things you think would be helpful for you and try to do at least one thing differently today!

Note: As always, check with a physician before making any changes to diet, alcohol use, or sleep if you have any health related concerns that might be impacted by any new changes.

South Asian American Mental Health

Growing up, I never thought I would become a psychologist. Mental health and anything related was not usually a topic of discussion among my South Asian American peers, family, and community. Once as a pre-teen, I vaguely recommended that someone close to me seek out help from a professional. This innocent recommendation was met with a significant amount of surprise and discomfort. And sadly, this was the norm in the community.

Fast forward to 2022, and I have seen so many South Asian Americans in my practice. I am so very pleased with the acceptance and welcoming of therapy in the Millennial and Gen Z generations of South Asians, with a spattering of Gen X and the occasional Baby Boomer. It makes me so happy to see people getting the help everyone deserves, and recognizing that mental health is equally as important as physical health.

What saddens me is still recognizing that there are so many people struggling through without help. A little bit of therapy, a little bit of medication can go a long way in improving quality of life. But, social stigma in the South Asian community around mental illness, taboos around privacy, and other concerns make it hard for people to reach out. My hope is that if you are a South Asian American reading this, that you hear me when I say that your mental health is important. And that you are the only one who has to live your life. Live yours to the fullest and be brave enough to recognize that true strength comes in acknowledging that you need help.

Also, please know that you are not alone. Whether it is people wanting to work on family conflicts, trauma and abuse, anxiety or depression, relationship issues, or even simply wanting to work on personal growth…they are coming to therapy. Maybe no one is talking about it. People may not share their experiences. But, they are coming. And they are getting the help they need. You should too.

Dream it

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Dream it 〰️

Why therapy?

What have you heard about therapy that makes you want to avoid it? Growing up, my impression of therapy was mostly taken from the show "Growing Pains" where Alan Thicke's character was a psychiatrist who ran his practice out of his home. He seemed nice enough and he did not talk about his clients (which is a good thing since we are bound by confidentiality!). But, everything about what he did seemed mysterious. What went on behind that closed door?

It is this mystery that sometimes confuses people about therapy or may even turn them off. Questions like "what does it mean if I'm in therapy?" or "what will my therapist think about me?" make people hesitant to start and sometimes stay in therapy. I think this is understandable considering how little the media shows positive therapy experiences, how much silence there is around therapy (i.e. there are people you know who are in therapy but do not talk about it), and how positive mental health is not always promoted the same way as good physical health. But, I'm going to encourage you to take a look at yourself and what you need and think about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. 

Here is what I want you to know about therapy to help you in your decision to start:

  • Therapy is not someone telling you what to do or giving you advice. 
    • You may have enough people in your life who will be glad to tell you what to do - friends, family, coworkers, your hairstylist who you vent to about your day. You do not need one more person telling you what to do.
    • What you do need is someone who is going to challenge you to come to your own conclusions about what is best for you based on your needs and new knowledge about yourself that you gain. You also need to have some difficult discussions with someone who is not going to judge you or have their own thoughts about what you should do based on their own experiences. Therapists will be neutral and work to understand your frame of reference when helping vs. using their own personal experiences to guide you. You are not me, so why would what worked for me work for you? What is more important is getting you to see what works for YOU. 
  • Therapy is for everyone!
    • You can have diagnosed mental health concerns and come to therapy (i.e. depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, phobias, etc.) or you can want to work on personal growth, decision making issues, assertiveness, etc. You can also have both. Bottom line - therapy is for everyone because everyone goes through highs and lows in life. Everyone has times when they feel like they need someone else's thoughts and ideas to help them through. Everyone needs someone in their life who they can completely open up to without judgment and without an agenda. 
  • Therapists offer a non-judgmental, open, genuine space for you to be you. The point of having a therapist is for you to have someone who is trained to help you while also being caring, understanding and encouraging. 
    • You can always change therapists if you are not comfortable with him or her. Sometimes both people can be amazing people but the fit is not there. Shopping for a therapist is like shopping for a car...you have to find what is right for you. 
    • Therapists may not share a lot about their own lives and this is purposely done. The whole point of therapy is for you to have time to share what you need to share and the focus should be on you vs. your therapist. We want that time to be yours. 

Now that you have some information on what therapy is really about and how it can help, my question to you is...why not therapy?